For John
Once upon a time
A man with moonlight in his eyes
Put his hand in mine, and said he loved me so
But that was once upon a time very long ago.
Today was the day for the service for my old love, but I did not attend.
His fiancee decided I was not welcome and made her wishes clear through my oldest brother. John was his best friend and he loved him as a brother, living through his own grief and pain, and he was given the job of having to tell me, a most ugly duty in light of all the circumstances.
The reason as stated does not make sense; apparently she said "that relationship was over a long time ago." (I suspect there is more, but my brother would not elaborate. He did say she was "irrational.") If she truly felt that way it would not have pained her to see me there, so I can only assume that she had some concern or animosity or other problem with my presence.
Yes I could have gone and probably made a scene and been a bitch -- and initially in pain and anger I wanted to, very much -- but after some consideration I was able to do the proper thing and give that woman what she wanted.
Ultimately I chose to do this because John loved her and this was something I could do for her, perhaps the only thing I could do for her, and I prefer to be kind, even in the face of cruelty.
And I chose to do this because my family loved John and were devastated at this decision, and for me to have flung myself in the face of it would only have deepened their pain.
This was not about me but about John and I did not want to be a soap opera sideshow in the middle of the misery of others.
Instead at the appointed time, I sat in quiet and contemplation.
I read from the Tibetan Book of the Dead.
I meditated on our time together and what had happened to us since, separately and together.
I gave thanks for having John in my life and for his presence in it for 33 years.
I pray that all those who ache in remembrance of John have solace.
Once upon a time
The world was sweeter than we knew
Everything was ours
How happy we were then
But somehow once upon a time never comes again.
A man with moonlight in his eyes
Put his hand in mine, and said he loved me so
But that was once upon a time very long ago.
Today was the day for the service for my old love, but I did not attend.
His fiancee decided I was not welcome and made her wishes clear through my oldest brother. John was his best friend and he loved him as a brother, living through his own grief and pain, and he was given the job of having to tell me, a most ugly duty in light of all the circumstances.
The reason as stated does not make sense; apparently she said "that relationship was over a long time ago." (I suspect there is more, but my brother would not elaborate. He did say she was "irrational.") If she truly felt that way it would not have pained her to see me there, so I can only assume that she had some concern or animosity or other problem with my presence.
Yes I could have gone and probably made a scene and been a bitch -- and initially in pain and anger I wanted to, very much -- but after some consideration I was able to do the proper thing and give that woman what she wanted.
Ultimately I chose to do this because John loved her and this was something I could do for her, perhaps the only thing I could do for her, and I prefer to be kind, even in the face of cruelty.
And I chose to do this because my family loved John and were devastated at this decision, and for me to have flung myself in the face of it would only have deepened their pain.
This was not about me but about John and I did not want to be a soap opera sideshow in the middle of the misery of others.
Instead at the appointed time, I sat in quiet and contemplation.
I read from the Tibetan Book of the Dead.
I meditated on our time together and what had happened to us since, separately and together.
I gave thanks for having John in my life and for his presence in it for 33 years.
I pray that all those who ache in remembrance of John have solace.
Once upon a time
The world was sweeter than we knew
Everything was ours
How happy we were then
But somehow once upon a time never comes again.
posted by Jenny at Saturday, June 03, 2006
2 Comments:
You're a better man than I.
God hold John in the palm of his Mighty Hand.
God keep you too.
An absolute blessing. Good for you - you did the right thing (even though it was hard). Peace be with you...
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