Sunday, June 21, 2009

And then I thought about you

I took a trip on a train and I thought about you.
I passed a shadowy lane and I thought about you.
Two or three cars parked under the stars a winding stream.
Moon shining down on some little town
And with each beam the same old dream.

And every stop that we made I thought about you.
And when I pulled down the shade then I really felt blue.
I peeked through the crack and looked at the track,
The one going back to you and what did I do?
I thought about you.


About this time a year ago I let someone go out of my life, someone I had carried in my heart for time out of mind, someone I thought deeply about and hoped for and wished on. I had given them a lot of influence and power with all of this and when it finally became heartbreakingly obvious even to me that I was greatly mistaken about most everything I reclaimed myself and closed the door to further trespass, ending the relationship.

Time has passed and in that time I have found I missed my old friend, the companion of my heart, very much. I've had days I wept about it all and wide-awake nights I longed for my used to be and I've wondered more than once if I made the wrong choice.

From the vantage point of a year later I realize I did all the heavy lifting. I carried that relationship through everything, sustained it through good and bad and then bad and worse and then so horrible that finally I couldn't carry it any further.

I understand that what I have missed was illusion, the belief that brought me through all the years of toting that heavy load, what I thought I saw and what I felt. Most of all it was not so much about what it was as it was about what I wanted. That reality is not so pretty and I acknowledge my part in my own self-deception.

Today I let go that final vestige of foolishness and sadness and I stop feeling bad for my loss. Today I know I didn't lose anything at all.

I hope I have gained some better comprehension of the human condition and greater understanding of what brings people into your life . . . and why sometimes it's not appropriate for them to stay.

There were two or three cars parked under the stars...
a windin' stream.
Moon shining down on some little town
And with each beam the same old dream.

And then I peeked through the crack and I looked at that track,
The one going back to you, and what did I do...
I thought about you.

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