Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Say it with music

Today, like every other day, we wake up empty
and frightened. Don't open the door to the study
and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.
-- Rumi

As I'm sure you've gathered from my first forays here, music is an important part of my life. I rank it up there with other frivolities such as dark chocolate, single malt scotch, and oxygen.

(Right this second I'm listening to Wes Montgomery play the hell out of "Golden Earrings" and I tell you, it's so damn good. Yes, you can get it off of iTunes if you have no idea what I'm talking about.)

I hope over time to tell you about the music and the experiences and the people, most of all the people who have made me the musician I am -- and the one I still hope to be -- and why that's meaningful. Wes can 'splain it to you too.


Sunday, June 04, 2006

All bouquets and no brickbats.

This is new software to me and so I am just now days later finding settings for things, like, oh, "Moderate comments."

::: Embarrassed :::

Many thanks for all of you who took the time to read and then comment. I appreciate what you have to say.

This is a voyage of discovery for me in a lot of ways. I'm glad you're along for the trip.
Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.--Gene Fowler

Amen, brother.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

For John

Once upon a time
A man with moonlight in his eyes
Put his hand in mine, and said he loved me so
But that was once upon a time very long ago.

Today was the day for the service for my old love, but I did not attend.

His fiancee decided I was not welcome and made her wishes clear through my oldest brother. John was his best friend and he loved him as a brother, living through his own grief and pain, and he was given the job of having to tell me, a most ugly duty in light of all the circumstances.

The reason as stated does not make sense; apparently she said "that relationship was over a long time ago." (I suspect there is more, but my brother would not elaborate. He did say she was "irrational.") If she truly felt that way it would not have pained her to see me there, so I can only assume that she had some concern or animosity or other problem with my presence.

Yes I could have gone and probably made a scene and been a bitch -- and initially in pain and anger I wanted to, very much -- but after some consideration I was able to do the proper thing and give that woman what she wanted.

Ultimately I chose to do this because John loved her and this was something I could do for her, perhaps the only thing I could do for her, and I prefer to be kind, even in the face of cruelty.

And I chose to do this because my family loved John and were devastated at this decision, and for me to have flung myself in the face of it would only have deepened their pain.

This was not about me but about John and I did not want to be a soap opera sideshow in the middle of the misery of others.

Instead at the appointed time, I sat in quiet and contemplation.
I read from the Tibetan Book of the Dead.
I meditated on our time together and what had happened to us since, separately and together.
I gave thanks for having John in my life and for his presence in it for 33 years.

I pray that all those who ache in remembrance of John have solace.

Once upon a time
The world was sweeter than we knew
Everything was ours
How happy we were then
But somehow once upon a time never comes again.